So, let me share with you the lessons I’ve learned from experience, hoping that someone who needs to know they are not alone in their struggles will find what they need to read today.

Why Perfectionism Screws Us Up

There was a time when I believed perfectionism was a good thing. After all, isn’t it good when you are trying your best, constantly achieving things, making someone (like your parents, for example) proud, and feeling proud yourself knowing that yet another milestone is passed? My answer to this now is no, it’s not good because it comes from the wrong place. At least for me, it always did. I used to (and sometimes still do) try my best to fill some sort of void within, earning approval from others, which would then make me feel good for a fleeting moment. Instead of keeping an eye on what’s really important and preserving sanity amid all the hustle, I used to try to please myself by pleasing someone else, and that’s not a road leading to happiness and wholeness.

I think that perfectionism is essentially a flawed mechanism for trying to gain approval and validation when you shouldn’t need those things in the first place. Think about it. Why do we need others to talk highly of us or be impressed by us? That’s because we lack something profound—like a real understanding of who we are, what we want in this life, and why we are doing what we are doing. Perfectionism emerges from a lack of self-confidence, which is made worse by a lack of self-awareness.

On top of that, even if you manage to achieve something remarkable, the feelings of achievement and worthiness do not last, and you find yourself constantly pushing to do more and better without being able to stop and smell the roses. You constantly rely on others to make you feel worthy, and that’s just not sustainable. Also, perfection is not even real or attainable; it’s just an illusion because, as we all have heard, nothing and nobody is perfect.

What’s the Alternative?

So, if to many of us, myself included, striving for perfection is a means to an end, which is a flawed and destined-to-fail attempt to achieve peace within and satisfaction with ourselves, what is the alternative? If there is still that void inside which needs to be filled, what can we fill it with if not with endless striving and pursuing the elusive perfection in whatever we are doing? I think we should try to understand the root of the problem, where it stems from, and to do that, we most probably need to go back to our childhood. I know really well how disappointing that trip back in time can be, but therapists love that iconic phrase “tell me about your childhood” for a reason. I am not a therapist, though, but I do know now that going back can be beneficial and it should be done with self-compassion and composure towards those who were around at the time. Chances are the damage was done because of the lack of our parents’ consciousness, and forgiving and moving on should be part of our growth journey.

Now when it comes to growth, that is probably the right way. Learning who we are, where we come from, why we do the things we do, and react the way we react, etc. This kind of learning can be and usually is very hard and even painful, but it’s just so worth it anyway because through processing, we emerge on the other side and live to be the best possible version of ourselves – by no means perfect, just as conscious, self-aware, and thus beautiful as can be.

Perfectionism is Anything But Joyful

We’ve already touched on why perfectionism is not the road to joy in life. It leads nowhere because perfection doesn’t even exist. Even if we do manage to live up to someone’s expectations, achieve something incredible, and feel worthy and more lovable because of that, the feeling just doesn’t last, and you find yourself in that hamster wheel all over again sooner rather than later. But if growth and learning are a healthy and natural substitute for perfectionism, yet they can still hurt, how can they lead to a happy life after all? Well, I believe they can once we work on our attitude.

Here, I’d like to talk about learning in wider terms—like learning and growing to be a better human being and learning and growing in terms of mastering a language (remember the main focus of this blog and what I do for a living?).

When we encounter difficulty and strive to overcome it little by little, we end up stronger and smarter. It may not always be an easy, smooth, and painless process, but it shouldn’t be anyway. It’s through hardship and challenge that we become better every day, and that, in turn, should drive us and bring us joy—pride in ourselves. And when I say pride, I don’t mean vanity. I mean honest pride, which is about understanding how human we are in our attempts. It’s humble but honest and fair pride, if you will. Self-validation, which is not dependent on others. If we can support and maintain that attitude, that’s freedom already—freedom from conditioning our self-worth and satisfaction with life upon someone else. And what is that if not freedom?